


Running on Empty

by LadyStork



Category: Chuck (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Body Image, Bulimia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Hurt No Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Not Happy, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:35:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21587731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyStork/pseuds/LadyStork
Summary: Chuck struggles with the lack of control he has in his life and things get out of hand.Set in S1
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Running on Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not read if triggered easily.

It was never meant to go this far. But really, there's no denying that he found satisfaction in it. The way his ribs poked out just a bit. The way his cheekbones protruded a little bit too much. And the control. The control was the best part.

The deep, toe-curling, satisfaction that came with the sense of pure and utter control was almost breathtaking. Chuck reveled in it.

But still, even after all of that, he knew it was wrong.

It wasn't normal. None of it was. Not the pleasure he felt from his stomach being empty or the need to know exactly how much he was eating or the way he felt like laughing with joy when Sarah hugged him and frowned at the way he was all jagged edges. Not the way he secretly loved it when Casey was able to throw him over his shoulder and run like it was no sweat at all. No. It wasn't normal at all.

He supposes this was always meant to happen, that it was always meant to turn out this way. There was always something inside of his brain that knew this was bound to happen. Always that underlying thought that life would be better if you were starving. It was never acted on, not until Sarah arrived and this whole mess started.

It began as a careless meal skipped. A big mistake on his part because he woke up the next morning loving how empty he felt, as if he hadn't been empty ever since he became the intersect. It can almost be described as love at first sight, except it wasn't seen, not yet, only felt.

He went to work that day with a slight sparkle in his eye, loving his newfound discovery. And from there, he spiraled.

No breakfast, only eat lunch if Casey and Sarah are there, only eat dinner if Elli makes him, No snacks. Those were his rules. They weren't very nice, even he can agree but they did the job, because really, this was all about control.

This went on for a while. Chuck loved it, he walked with a slight bounce to his step and his eyes shined brighter than ever before. The feeling he got from doing this to himself was pure bliss. It was all so intoxicating.

Life was good. He still went on missions, still fought bad guys with Sarah and Casey, and that was okay, because he had control, but no one had to know that.

He kept up his front though, because there's really no easy way to get away with this with constant monitoring. But somehow, someway, he did it. He was getting away with it and it felt amazing.

He spent his days working at the Buy More and working with Sarah and Casey, completely unaware of the worried glances cast across his back. He didn't need to know that they were catching on, what good does that do.

Eventually, Casey, of all people, pulled him aside in the crowded place that was the Buy More and genuinely asked him if he was okay. If there was something going on. Chuck almost burst out laughing because, no, he wasn't okay and he hasn't been for a while. But he kept his mouth shut and reassured Casey that he was fine.

After that Chuck tried to be more deliberate, getting snacks from the vending machine and walking around with them for show, but eventually sneaking it to Morgan when no one was looking.

And it was working.

Until it came crashing down when Thanksgiving rolled around.

Chuck was fine, doing pretty darn well at hiding his nervousness about what was about to happen. He had to eat, he knew he had to. If he didn't, well, what better way than that to get caught. And when the time finally came to feast, he put on a brave face and ate.

He was fine, he was fine, he was fine. He tried to keep himself calm, he really did, but there was no way he was going to make it through this meal. So he did the only thing he could think of and excused himself to the bathroom.

*He locked himself in and sank to the floor, trying to slow his rapidly beating heart. It was a mistake. Eating always seemed to be a mistake. The push of food in his stomach was a painful reminder of what a failure he was and Chuck fought to keep it down at the thought of all his hard work crumbling down.

But there was a simple solution to this situation and deep down, Chuck knew it was the only way to go from this point. But chuck knew that once he did it, he would be gone. Lost to the sin that he lasted so long resisting.

A single tear fell as he kneeled in front of the toilet, the emptiness in his heart feeling like the exact opposite of his stomach. All thought of consequence set aside, fingers were shoved far down his throat, searching for Ellie's hard work because no, he didn't care that his sister spent all day working on the monstrosity in his stomach. He needed it out.  


And so he threw up turkey and stuffing and green beans into the toilet below, not tasting any of it, he stopped tasting things a long while ago. At that exact moment, all alone on the bathroom floor surrounded by the smell of his failure, Chuck realized how alone he really was.

He cleaned up and brushed his teeth, and found that what he just did gave him the same satisfaction as starving. He took a minute to fight back the shame that threatened to overcome him as he stood staring at himself in the mirror. He quite liked how he looked post purge, all teary and red-rimmed eyes and hollow cheeks that told so much.

Deep down he knew that he couldn't go on like this much longer, that eventually he would have to tell someone or that someone would find out. And even though how much he tried to deny it and ignore it, he desperately wanted someone to come save him from this miserable cage that he had made for himself. But it was exactly that. He had made it for himself. He had control.

It was when Sarah knocked on the door asking if he was okay that he finally snapped back to reality. And as always, Chuck said he was fine, put on a smile, and opened the door. Sarah gave him a questioning look but Chuck just pushed by without sparing her a second glance.

He kept his eyes down as he walked back into the dining room and the rest of the evening went by in a blur.

The next day Casey cornered him in the break room, anger was written all over his face but there was something else, something that almost resembled sadness. But Chuck was alone with Casey, an angry Casey nonetheless, and he was scared.

It was about what happened last night. Casey had seen the footage, he knew. But he didn't really. He only knew what he saw. Chuck could still get out of this one.

He made up some half-assed lie about eating too much and feeling sick, and even though it showed that Casey didn't believe him, he accepted Chuck's answer with a warning and a hard pat on the back. It was never mentioned between them again and for that Chuck was grateful, lying wasn't really his forte.

Chucks life continued on as normal after that. He still worked at the buy more, still went on missions with Sarah and Casey, and still starved himself relentlessly. It was all about control, right?

Yes, it was all about control. When Christmas finally rolled around, Chuck was calm. He knew what he was going to do.

So he enjoyed dinner with his friends and family as much as he could and when the time was right, he excused himself once more to the bathroom.

Though this time he could feel the sharp burn of the two sets of eyes watching him go, but he didn't care. All he cared about was control. 

As he gripped the porcelain toilet seat, trying to steady his hands as they shook with anticipation and shame, He whispered to himself, "One last time."


End file.
